Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Empty.

This is supposed to be my 100th post.
I had big plans for this milestone: a video, a few giveaways, including some of my artwork, and links to some of my most faithful and influential readers: the ones who came first and stayed, the ones who encourage and inspire, the ones with whom I've now formed a deep connection.

But for some reason I can't do it.
I wake up every morning with my head in a fog. My legs can propel me toward the office.
My fingers can make their way across the keyboard. But my brain refuses to engage. And my heart's not in it. My heart is with a son who is right here, but lost. With a daughter who is aching to understand and feels like her world is falling apart. With a husband whose work day seems interminable, whose heart seems impermeable, whose pressures seem insurmountable, and whose goodness is great. With a smallish child who has no idea how tenuous his world is right now, but must keenly sense that all is not right. My heart feels like putty, and wishes it were some kind of amazing superglue.

For some reason, today, I'm coming up empty.

21 comments:

LisAway said...

I'm so sorry, Charrette. Of course you're not up to being all light and sunshine.

I will continue to pray for you and yours.

Heather Richardson said...

Sending you a big hug!

Kristina P. said...

I am thinking of your family! Don't worry, we are still here.

Heidi Ashworth said...

My heart is breaking for you! I have so been there; that feeling like you have just been kicked in the stomach but it never goes away . . . that sense of utter hopelessness and helplessness. We are the mom! We are supposed to have the power to make it all right. It is so awful when we can't. At times like these, I try to remind myself that The Savior felt these things too, not only b/c he felt everything but b/c he had those moments in his own life when he was gripped by the utter despair of his own reality. It is absolutely necessary for us to feel as He did in all things, or we are not worthy to inherit all that He has. Sometimes we can only hope and pray--but sometimes it is all that is required, as well. Scary awful things have to happen to good people and often I think that it's the only reason that they do. (The truth is, the strong are punished and it just doesn't seem fair but the reward is great--but you already know that because you have had to go through really hard things before already.) Hang in there! Love you!

Kateastrophe said...

Sweet lady, I'm sure this too shall pass, but until it does, do what you need to do for YOU and YOURS and don't worry about us or your 100th post.

We love you!!

The Mom said...

I am so sorry, and I understand. I have been there. Hang on and keep praying!

Kimberly said...

Oh honey...I'm so sorry...I wish I could take the hurt away somehow. ~hugs~

Tammy Lorna said...

Oh Charrette, I'm so sorry you're aching. My prayers and thoughts are with you - I hope you can feel that from so far away. You're such a wonderful example for so many of us and I hope you can feel our love for you and your wonderful and much loved family.

xo Tammy

Brillig said...

Oh goodness. I can't even fathom all this stuff on your plate right now. I'm throwing my arms around you in a massive cyber-hug, wishing I could sit down with you and hear the whole story (stories?). I've been completely absent from Bloglandia, as you know, and also from email. But I've thought about you every day since the last unhappy conversation we had about a month ago. Anyway, my point is, I'm here, whether you see me or not. PLEASE email me and let me share some of this burden.

Heather of the EO said...

I don't know if you saw Jessica's post at one wild and precious life today, but it got me thinking about kids being lost. About how we want to prevent it, all forms of it. We want them to grow into faithful and confident people because we instilled it in them and that's that. But sometimes they have to go through their periods of being lost and broken in order to have the depth of character they need for what they're called to do. And THAT is so so so scary and hard. I have no idea what I'm talking about of course because my boys are small, but I just so badly want you to know that what's going on with your boy is not because of anything you did nor didn't do. Sometimes it just...IS. And I'm sorry that it is. I love you and I'll be praying for your peace.

Heather of the EO said...

I know it was sort of fancy sounding, but I didn't really mean to write NOR. I meant OR. :)

Kazzy said...

Charrette, post, schmost. We don't care about that. We care about you. I care about you. I have wanted to call, but haven't wanted to interfere.

Being a mom means we feel stuff nobody else can. We feel the accomplishments almost like our own, and we feel the hurting like it is our own too. Raw nerves and big open hearts. You must be emotionally exhausted with everything you are taking on right now. I love ya.

breckster said...

I know the feeling, different heart ache, but that empty void where you know there used to be something.

Your family is still in our prayers.

Allison said...

My dear friend, my heart aches for everything you must be going through. Please remember my own time of being lost. Those closest to me never gave up, and when I found my way again, they are the ones I turned to first. You and my mom had loved me through the entire ordeal. I have faith he'll come back to you with a stronger bond than before. I love you.

ME said...

Wishing you light in dark times, dearest.

oxox Mary Ellen

Melanie J said...

Oh, I'm sad for you. I've seen this turn out right before, I told you that I've been on the other side of this equation, but now as a mother, I can look down the road and already see that going through it is the easy part. Watching someone else slip away...that's much, much harder. I will continue to pray for you, but I think Heather really said something smart up there.

Jessica said...

My kids aren't there yet but I can't imagine anything harder for a parent. It makes my kid-chasing and diaper-changing seem a little easier today . . . maybe I'll just wish them to stay little and controllable for a loooooong time . . . I am so sorry and I pray that it gets better. Praying for wisdom for you attempting to hold the rest of the family together as well. Love, love, jess

Luann said...

I love you, Charrette. And look at all these other cool people that love you too. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Cari said...

That Heather of the EO did it again. Nail on the head.

Eowyn said...

Can we do lunch? Maybe we can lift each other a little.

My prayers are with you Charette!

Mrs4444 said...

Oh, Hon, I wish I could help. I'll pray for you all...Love to you...